How to negotiate with a donkey: Tips from a family lawyer

Anyone who has ever tried to move a donkey that doesn’t want to be moved knows for sure that brute force is useless. Strangely enough this makes the donkey an excellent teacher in negotiation, and this is something that we family lawyers need to do well.

Understanding motivation

The first rule of negotiating with a donkey is to understand motivation. Donkeys are not stubborn for the sake of it but rather they do not see a reason to cooperate. You need to identify what matters to them such as safety, comfort, food or familiarity. Until you do this you are wasting your energy.

In family law, that same principle can apply to a negotiation. Parties to a divorce or child arrangements dispute are rarely simply being difficult without reason (although that is not always the case!). Fear, loss of control, genuine concern for the children, financial insecurity or vulnerability are often drivers for resistance. Until those concerns are acknowledged then progress will be difficult.

The importance of emotional readiness

Timing also matters. A donkey that is tired or hungry or overwhelmed will not negotiate (and as all parents know this can also apply when trying to negotiate with children!). The best approach here can be to pause and try again later.

In family law negotiations this can translate to emotional readiness. We often say that the emotions that arise in a divorce are very similar to those in the grief cycle. Negotiations conducted at the height of anger are likely to fail. Skilled family lawyers, and especially those who are collaboratively trained, know the value of slowing things down where necessary especially if you want lasting solutions.

Building trust is key to successful negotiations

With a donkey, relationship is important. You cannot outrank a donkey into compliance. Trust is important. Heavy-handed tactics, threats, or legal posturing can escalate conflict and this can be especially important to bear in mind when ongoing co-parenting is going to be required. Collaboration and respect can achieve better, longer lasting outcomes.

Step-by-step negotiations help build confidence

With a donkey, you don’t ask it to cross the entire field all at once, you ask for one step at a time. In a negotiation sometimes it can be more manageable when broken into smaller agreements being reached one step at a time. Each resolved issue can build momentum and confidence.

Donkeys teach us more than you think

So whilst we can’t always guarantee that a donkey or a divorcing counterpart will be persuaded with your preferred way forward, we can learn some useful skills from negotiating with a donkey. Patience, empathy and strategic humility can be valuable in effective family law negotiations. Like the donkey, a divorcing spouse may then walk forward your way more willingly.

Stephanie Douthwaite is a partner and solicitor with a background in corporate, commercial, and family law. Her strong legal acumen makes her well placed to negotiate matters involving business interests, complex financial circumstances, and pre- and post-nuptial agreements. Stephanie also supports clients with her experience of collaborative law and mediation, as well as high-stakes Children Act proceedings. Described as ‘absolutely brilliant’, ‘first class’, and ‘empathetic and understanding’, email enquiries@harrogatefamilylaw.co.uk to enquire about how Stephanie can help you.