At Harrogate Family Law, we’ve had plenty of experience supporting clients who are separating from or divorcing narcissistic partners. There’s no doubt that any relationship breakdown is challenging, but when you’re dealing with a narcissist, it can add another level of complexity to proceedings.
For many clients, the journey up until this point has been traumatic, not least of all because recognising the patterns and behaviour of a narcissist is both difficult and painful.
A commonly used acronym for narcissistic behaviour is FOG: fear, obligation and guilt, and this can be a helpful way to spot the signs. Here we’re taking a closer look at these themes and how they might manifest in your significant other.
Fear
One of the most powerful tools a narcissist has is fear. Narcissists will often learn what your fears are and use them to exploit you to a damaging degree. This might look like:
Fear of abandonment
The narcissist may play on any fears you have around being alone. This might come directly from them as your partner, or by slowly breaking down your surrounding support system. The end game is to ensure you feel as though they’re the only person you have ‘in your corner’. They may try to make you believe things like, ‘If you didn’t have me, you would have no one’, or embed the belief that your friends and family are somehow against you.
Fear of exposure
Narcissists will exploit any piece of information they can get. If you’ve been vulnerable with your partner and shared any secrets or confidential information with them, they may decide to use this as leverage to control you.
Fear of ridicule
Similarly, a narcissistic partner may use your secrets or vulnerability as a way to threaten to humiliate you publicly.
Obligation
The important thing to remember with narcissistic partners is that nothing you or they say or do is ever without a consequence. They’ll commonly use every ‘selfless’ sacrifice or ‘act of kindness’ as currency to create a sense of obligation or ‘debt’ that can be very difficult to shake off.
These ‘acts of kindness’ may include big public displays of generosity or ‘love bombing’. This is often a calculated move to create an outward-facing image of themselves, making others believe they’re a kind and generous person, while simultaneously putting pressure on you as their partner.
Guilt
And finally, guilt, a crucial component for any narcissist’s strategy, and they’ll often employ this tactic if they sense that you’re unhappy or on the verge of taking action. It’s a highly manipulative and often very effective way to complete the FOG cycle.
It may present itself like:
- Making you feel ungrateful – they’ll often bring up past favours or love bombing and express disappointment that you haven’t shown appreciation.
- Acting as though any kind of disagreement is a personal attack on their character, they might become extremely defensive and will usually manipulate the situation so you somehow feel you’re in the wrong, even when you’re not.
- Belittling your thoughts, opinions or beliefs – they may make you feel inferior or ‘silly’ for thinking, feeling or enjoying certain things.
If you recognise the FOG, first of all, we want you to know that you’re not alone, despite what your current or ex-partner might be trying to make you believe. And we want you to know that there is life after a narcissistic relationship, and we can help you get there. All you need to do is get in touch.
If you’re concerned about your partner’s behaviour and would like further advice, there are organisations ready to help and advise:
