Marriage is one of the most significant commitments you can make. Joining your life with that of another person in law isn’t a decision that most people take lightly.  Before making that kind of commitment, it’s essential that you feel as happy and confident as possible about who you’re going to share your life with. 

In all our years of working with those going through a divorce, here are just a few of the things that come up time and again when people talk about ‘what they wish they’d known’ about their partner before tying the knot. 

Get comfortable discussing money

As a society, we’re generally still pretty awkward about discussing money. It can be an emotive and contentious topic. But the fact of the matter is that the earlier and more openly you can start conversations around finances with your partner, the better.

Ask yourself:

Do my partner and I have the same financial goals?

Is one of us a ‘spender’ and one of us a ‘saver’?

If we’re both ‘spenders’, how are you going to manage that?

Will we merge our finances when we get married?

What will happen to any inherited wealth from our family members/family businesses?

Once you’ve had these discussions, you may decide that a prenuptial agreement is the right direction to go in. No longer the sole domain of super-wealthy couples, a prenuptial agreement is undoubtedly a worthwhile investment.

Family planning

Wants and feelings can always change, but it’s always a good idea to discuss how you feel about children and pets with your partner, as the two things will inevitably change your relationship dynamic enormously.

If you both want children, consider talking about what roles and responsibilities you both plan on taking on. You and your partner may have differing philosophies on parenting and child-rearing. Reaching compromises and agreements in advance can prevent future disagreements.

If you want children and your partner doesn’t, this is most definitely something you’ll want to iron out before you say ‘I do’. Having children is a big life change – it’s essential that you’re both on the same page. For many couples, this is what’s known as a ‘deal breaker’.

Career goals

Closely linked to family planning, talking about you and your partner’s career goals is important for your future, especially if one or both of you is planning on taking any kind of career break to raise children. If one or both of you feel like you’re going to be ‘forced’ to give up a career, this could lead to resentment in the future.

Of course, plans can change along the way. This makes it even more important to regularly check in with one another so you know you’re both still happy and fulfilled.

Communication styles

Knowing how to handle conflict and disagreements is an important part of any marriage. Learning how you and your partner want to be treated and spoken to when things are difficult can be a tricky hypothetical conversation, but it’s a valuable one.

If you do have minor disagreements in your relationship, try having a ‘debrief’ afterwards. How did you handle it? Could you or your partner have done something differently to help your conversations be more productive? Have you both come out of the conversation feeling heard and understood?

Some of these conversations aren’t the easiest, but hopefully they’ll mean you’re going into your marriage with your best foot forward. If you’re finding it difficult to reach a constructive outcome, we can signpost you to a number of credible couples therapists and coaches in the area. You can contact us for more details.